Learning to grow 

So much has changed in the past few months. I’ve come to learn my inner most wants and needs. I work diligently to not be fear driven. To trust my intuition, my heart, my knowing being. I’m scared many times wondering if my choices are right. What if’s have the power to thwart a greater plan. trusting the all knowing in me has been my greatest challenge. I still resist at times. I am grateful because every so often I have blips of awareness. I am really trying to use those moments as a compass to what I want out of life. I continue on this journey and hope for the best. 

The Struggle between Here and There 

It’s a constant effort to stay present and in the moment. It is so easy to slip back into the passive mind. The rote way of living. Brief blips allow me to see the reality that is. I yearn to see it all the time but my mind still lures me into future and past. It is a slippery slope to rummenate on a good experience. In doing so you lift that moment to a higher pedestal. Much higher than the moment that is right now. Without it the present moment is dull waiting for the next experience to relight that flame of bliss. Again it’s seeking an external reward for an internal dellema. Emptiness. You can try and mask it but eventually it rears its ugly face. The path to feeling at one and complete is unpaved. It’s not a trip that is easy to coast. Patience and perseverance are my only friends in this journey. 

The End of My Relationship was the Catalyst to My Self Discovery

I almost want to email him and thank him.  If it wasn’t for this relationship, the journey that began a little over a year ago would have never came to fruition. Granted, I began to graze the surface in 2014. It was last year where I really began work on understanding myself. The trigger was trying to make a relationship bound to fail succeed. I heightened my emotional awareness. My needs became more apparent and my denying them did as well. I began to wonder why? A short Google research later led me to self esteem issues. Eventually to a book called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. It provided me with great insight; allowed me to take a different approach but yet something was still missing. As my needs grew further unmet I began to wonder, perhaps I am the problem…maybe I am needy. Once again a Google search ensued and I stumbled upon attachment theory’s. If you really want to open Pandora’s box take the quiz to find out your attachment. Upon doing so I saw that in relationships I was anxious attachment…I began to wonder why. I later found myself reading Conquer your Critical Inner Voice. It discussed these attachments and how our inner voice can misconstrue and manipulate us into acting out behaviors. Still, something was unclear. This neediness I felt, even after the relationship dissolved was unsettling. The sheer fact I gave myself completely to this person and was still rejected left me dumbfound. I was addicted to this relationship even when it failed to serve or meet my needs. Another Google search ensued and I stumbled upon the term Co-dependent. I never thought about it much before, but the more I read the more I began to see the truth. This led me to purchase Conquering Shame and Codepency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. For once in my life I understood. The book literally felt like my personal story. It has changed me. The awareness I have now has fueled me to question and seek more answers. I was fortunate to have childhood diaries around to give me a glimpse of my thought processes. What I found continues to horrify me. Emptiness and feeling alone…the need to fill a void was a constant theme since I was at least 9 years old. The aloofness response of my parents to an emotional and physically abusive older sibling is documented. My feelings ignored. Abuse accepted. The search has not led me to emotional neglect in childhood. Perhaps an opportunity to heal more wounds.

Learning to Stand Alone

Everyday I am choosing to peer deeper into my being. What I am finding is a viscous cycle of co-dependency. The over pleasing self sacrificing wonderful girlfriend is really an insecure woman seeking validation for being a martyr in the relationship. Granted it almost feels like I am diagnosing myself like we can easily do with a quick search of symptoms. However, the level of relatability I am seeing with all the articles I’m reading regarding co-dependency is uncanny. For once I see the reality of what I’ve done for half my life.  Seeking to please for validation, conditioned from youth. I can make sense of this now growing up in a home where we were constantly reprimanded and physically punished if we behaved out of line. All this time I thought that made me stronger, tougher, more independent. What it did was turn me into this die hard people pleaser seeking stability in a relationship. Literally sacrificing my wants and needs for someone else. I found myself financially investing more than my means to buy a response. I created a victim in myself because none of my efforts were ever met by me having my needs satisfied. I was often left hurt and confused. How could he not want to be affectionate? I gave him this grand gift. I was manipulative in my ways. Trying to force a behavior by creating this overly giving environment. I’ll give you the world if you will just give me a hug. Honestly, that’s how it felt most of the time.  It was the life I allowed myself to suffer for one year. My inability to let go, my fear of loss, my need for validation has dragged me through the mud of relationships that shouldn’t have progressed past hello. The end of my last relationship has rocked me to the core. A transformation and awareness I never anticipated. There’s an urge to just jump back into the dating game. One I known is driven by the deeper loneliness and validation seeking version of myself. I refrain because I know I need work. I know there needs to be growth and change. I know I need to learn to stand alone and deal with it all. 

Fear

Just reading the term creates a heaviness in space. Fear has the ability to paralyze us. It also has the ability to launch ourselves into unknown waters to conquer its grasp. Lately I’ve been battling the fear of the unknown. Day in and day out we go about our lives and work with this set plan or idea…an end goal to what we want either in the moment or for our lifetime. Right now my life is in complete limbo. I’m a free agent (relationship wise) and my job situation is evolving. I’m at the crossroads and it’s more overwhelming and fear inducing then I’d ever imagine. I feel like I’m on the verge of a 2007 Britney breakdown. This overwhelming increase of anxiety and fear is linked to this realization of how I’ve been loving my life. Something I will sure vent once I get a greater grasp of this fantasy. I fear the unknown because now I’m truly aware of it. I am aware of the fact I can’t jump into another relationship to mask other issues, I am aware of the fact that I have no ties and can let my work take me anywhere. The control is terrifying. To actively take the wheel in my life when all this time I’ve been on autopilot. I can’t be the only one who’s experienced such an epiphany. With this new level of awareness comes this greater responsibility. I am in control. I am scared because for the first time I am conscious and need to trust in making sound decisions. I feel different too. Something has changed aside from my relationship status. I’m different. I don’t know how exactly yet but I’m not the same person I was even 3 weeks ago. Looking to experience this journey for what it is and will be. Fear or not it’s happening. 

Insights from the past 

It’s day 5 since my relationship has ended . The morning dread is still alive and well but lingers a bit less. I decided to attempt some more soul searching to figure out why once again I was in a painful state regarding a relationship. So I decided to dig. I’m a bit of a hoarder so finding diaries from my youth wasn’t too much of a challenge. What I saw sent me into a panic. This need for validation, this approval to be wasn’t an inconsistent trait. It has lived in me since my early teens. Reading the despairation of “I’ll be okay if he would just like me”, “once were together I’ll be happy, I’ll have everything I need”. I cried. I’ve been this damaged soul for years and now at 28 I’m realizing how deep seeded this mindset is. As I continued to review my being and my interactions throughout my life I always met the same conclusion. I invested all my happiness externally and was ultimately let down. I sought validation from temporary sources. I wonder if I exhausted them. I wondered if they were equally damaged too. Let’s be honest we all are when you really think about it. We all carry some baggage. It just comes down to whether or not you’re ready to open in up and see what you’ve been carrying. I gained a bit more clarity and confusion. Alas all steps in the right direction. 

My internal revolution a gift from unrequited love

imageNow that this chapter has closed its an important time to reflect on my life and my choices. My behaviors and current beliefs have lead me down this path. I alternate between absolute despair and relief. Despair of knowing my dream with my partner is no longer a possibility. The pain of accepting the future I pictured will not come into fruition brings me great anxiety. How could it be? I put 110% effort I gave him all that I could …support, love, space…it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t convince him to love me. At that point that’s what it became an attempt to convince. I tried to be more sexy, less clingy, more independent, find my happiness elsewhere. I tried to be attached and detached all at the same time. Killing my self and losing myself in the process. To be honest I never really knew myself…he did however inspire me to look deeper than I’ve ever looked into myself. I wanted this so badly to work that I invested in books to help me develop myself. They ultimately became a buffer to the reality of the situation. But oddly a growth as well. In times where I would lash out I met him with kindness and compassion. When I felt insecure, I attributed to my own beliefs and behaviors. I ignored how he triggered them and took full responsibility for their presence. In time something I’m sure I’ll be more forgiving to myself with. The reality of being with someone who does not love you when you’re trying to work on being a better person is a sad journey. Because you use those moments of rejection as a lesson to be more independent, provide space and increase patience. Not as a sign that they don’t want you. I was caught between trying to heal my negative mindset in a place where I wasn’t surrounded with love and support in my relationship. I hung on to my self help books to rationalize what I was going through in my relationship. I hope to figure out if I was using that to blind myself from the reality that was or if it helped me to move this relationship through its course with no regrets. That is an answer I’m truly intrigued to learn. As I find this new level of awareness both enthralling and draining. It has been a time of growth for me with regard to my approach. I come softly with more compassion. I try my best to not act off my emotions solely. I’ve felt greater control and less regret as a result but still I know there is more to work on. I still need validation, something he never would openly give me. Probably because he knew it would only drag me further into an unrequited love attachment. I want to be able to rely on my own validation. I want to know from within I am worthy of kindness and love. I deserve to have someone who wants to give me the world and support my dreams. To kiss me softly and let me be. I deserve someone to be thoughtful. I deserve these things as they are, and not as a form to make me feel I am good enough or worth it. I want these to be lovely memories, not a type of behavior which dictates my worth. I want consistency as I would provide it to others as well. I want to reach a level of awareness where there is compassion, respect, full acceptance and absolute love. I want to be secure with my self. I want to respect my needs and love my being. I want to be so complete that I don’t stand for and allow the things that make me sad to go on. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that do love me that I don’t fear them leaving me. Secure attachment and self esteem that’s what I hope to gain at the end of this journey. I really am excited and grateful for this opportunity to change and grow. I can’t wait to be the person I need and want to be for internal peace. I hope to read this one day and smile because my life is where it is meant to be. The journey may not always be easy but I must trust that the universe gives and takes what we all need to help us become truly enlightened and alive.
Discover the Journey to you.