Searching for the American Dream

I come here in my lowest of lows. With only $90 dollars to my name, I struggle to understand how I got here. I am an educated individual I’ve earned a bachelors and Masters degree in a health profession. I work full time as well as part time in another position. Yet here I am piss poor with nothing to show for all my hard work. My dream is blanketed in thousands of dollars of student loan debt. I’ve desperately searched for a way out and yet the anchors of my childhood choices continue to weigh me down. I didn’t understand what it all meant, I didn’t understand the value of money as I do now. At 30 years old I struggle to sustain life on my own. I opt out of MD visits simply because I can’t afford the copay. My dreams of one day owning a home have been shattered. The money out far exceeds what I bring in. Yet I am “too rich” to qualify for any assistance. The saddest part is realizing I’m better off dead than alive when it comes to the private loan repayment terms. Is there no hope, or is this what is now the American Dream?

The End of My Relationship was the Catalyst to My Self Discovery

I almost want to email him and thank him.  If it wasn’t for this relationship, the journey that began a little over a year ago would have never came to fruition. Granted, I began to graze the surface in 2014. It was last year where I really began work on understanding myself. The trigger was trying to make a relationship bound to fail succeed. I heightened my emotional awareness. My needs became more apparent and my denying them did as well. I began to wonder why? A short Google research later led me to self esteem issues. Eventually to a book called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. It provided me with great insight; allowed me to take a different approach but yet something was still missing. As my needs grew further unmet I began to wonder, perhaps I am the problem…maybe I am needy. Once again a Google search ensued and I stumbled upon attachment theory’s. If you really want to open Pandora’s box take the quiz to find out your attachment. Upon doing so I saw that in relationships I was anxious attachment…I began to wonder why. I later found myself reading Conquer your Critical Inner Voice. It discussed these attachments and how our inner voice can misconstrue and manipulate us into acting out behaviors. Still, something was unclear. This neediness I felt, even after the relationship dissolved was unsettling. The sheer fact I gave myself completely to this person and was still rejected left me dumbfound. I was addicted to this relationship even when it failed to serve or meet my needs. Another Google search ensued and I stumbled upon the term Co-dependent. I never thought about it much before, but the more I read the more I began to see the truth. This led me to purchase Conquering Shame and Codepency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. For once in my life I understood. The book literally felt like my personal story. It has changed me. The awareness I have now has fueled me to question and seek more answers. I was fortunate to have childhood diaries around to give me a glimpse of my thought processes. What I found continues to horrify me. Emptiness and feeling alone…the need to fill a void was a constant theme since I was at least 9 years old. The aloofness response of my parents to an emotional and physically abusive older sibling is documented. My feelings ignored. Abuse accepted. The search has not led me to emotional neglect in childhood. Perhaps an opportunity to heal more wounds.

Learning to Stand Alone

Everyday I am choosing to peer deeper into my being. What I am finding is a viscous cycle of co-dependency. The over pleasing self sacrificing wonderful girlfriend is really an insecure woman seeking validation for being a martyr in the relationship. Granted it almost feels like I am diagnosing myself like we can easily do with a quick search of symptoms. However, the level of relatability I am seeing with all the articles I’m reading regarding co-dependency is uncanny. For once I see the reality of what I’ve done for half my life.  Seeking to please for validation, conditioned from youth. I can make sense of this now growing up in a home where we were constantly reprimanded and physically punished if we behaved out of line. All this time I thought that made me stronger, tougher, more independent. What it did was turn me into this die hard people pleaser seeking stability in a relationship. Literally sacrificing my wants and needs for someone else. I found myself financially investing more than my means to buy a response. I created a victim in myself because none of my efforts were ever met by me having my needs satisfied. I was often left hurt and confused. How could he not want to be affectionate? I gave him this grand gift. I was manipulative in my ways. Trying to force a behavior by creating this overly giving environment. I’ll give you the world if you will just give me a hug. Honestly, that’s how it felt most of the time.  It was the life I allowed myself to suffer for one year. My inability to let go, my fear of loss, my need for validation has dragged me through the mud of relationships that shouldn’t have progressed past hello. The end of my last relationship has rocked me to the core. A transformation and awareness I never anticipated. There’s an urge to just jump back into the dating game. One I known is driven by the deeper loneliness and validation seeking version of myself. I refrain because I know I need work. I know there needs to be growth and change. I know I need to learn to stand alone and deal with it all. 

Fear

Just reading the term creates a heaviness in space. Fear has the ability to paralyze us. It also has the ability to launch ourselves into unknown waters to conquer its grasp. Lately I’ve been battling the fear of the unknown. Day in and day out we go about our lives and work with this set plan or idea…an end goal to what we want either in the moment or for our lifetime. Right now my life is in complete limbo. I’m a free agent (relationship wise) and my job situation is evolving. I’m at the crossroads and it’s more overwhelming and fear inducing then I’d ever imagine. I feel like I’m on the verge of a 2007 Britney breakdown. This overwhelming increase of anxiety and fear is linked to this realization of how I’ve been loving my life. Something I will sure vent once I get a greater grasp of this fantasy. I fear the unknown because now I’m truly aware of it. I am aware of the fact I can’t jump into another relationship to mask other issues, I am aware of the fact that I have no ties and can let my work take me anywhere. The control is terrifying. To actively take the wheel in my life when all this time I’ve been on autopilot. I can’t be the only one who’s experienced such an epiphany. With this new level of awareness comes this greater responsibility. I am in control. I am scared because for the first time I am conscious and need to trust in making sound decisions. I feel different too. Something has changed aside from my relationship status. I’m different. I don’t know how exactly yet but I’m not the same person I was even 3 weeks ago. Looking to experience this journey for what it is and will be. Fear or not it’s happening.